Shiro (
wrecked_egg) wrote2016-02-04 11:26 pm
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Memories, Heart Event
Shiro meets Ganta for the first time. manga link
You're sitting on a hill, on the grass, knees clutched to your chest. You're small, and lonely, and everything hurts. Your whole body aches, and not for the first time you wonder wordlessly if this is all there ever will be. Just pain, forever and ever and ever. Suddenly, from over your shoulder, you hear a young boy's voice. "So white..." Your hair, he's talking about your hair. White hair and red eyes, you don't look normal, look like a freak, so you hide. He doesn't stop. "Hey, why are you hiding it?" "Cos it's weird," you say, a little girl's voice, rough with tears. "Everyone says so." They do. You see the way they look at you, like you aren't really a person.
But then he says something surprising. "How come? Your hair's so pretty, even prettier than dragonflys' wings!" You don't know what to think, so surprised you forget all about crying. Pretty? He said your hair was pretty. And then your hood is being pulled down, and you feel the sun on your head and it's like there's a sun shining in your heart, too, from this little boy smiling down with his scabby knees and messy hair. "Is it?" you ask him, not sure. "Yup! Hey, give me your hand!" He demands your hand, and then he's touching you. Nobody ever touches you when there aren't tests or experiments. They're afraid to touch you. His hand is hot and sticky and then there's the touch of a cool marker against your palm, and you look down as he draws a ragged symbol on your palm and grins. "This is my mark! From now on, you're my treasure!"
No one's ever said that. No one's ever wanted you. And you smile, meaning it for the first time ever, for the first time ever feeling like you belong, curling your fingers in around his mark like it's the real treasure. "Let's play together!" you say, but what you really mean is "I love you."
Ganta's birthday. manga link
"Happy birthday, Ganta!" Doctor Sorae sounds so happy today, you think. Sometimes she's sad, when it's just the two of you, but she's always so cheerful with Ganta. Is that what it means to be a mother? Being cheerful even when you feel sad? She's a good mama, then, you think, and you cheer too, at the loud pop of the noisemaker and the fall of bright confetti. Doctor Sorae hands Ganta a knitted hat, bright pink--your favorite color--with his name on it, but there's a rip and suddenly it's around Ganta's neck. There's silence for a second, and you wonder if the happiness is over, if this suddenly fragile moment will break like an egg, but then Doctor Sorae is scooping up Ganta and calling it a neckwarmer and tickling him and it's okay. "Shiro wants one too!" you say, and then Ganta asks, "When's Shiro's birthday?"
You don't know the answer. You don't have a birthday. You say so, and Ganta looks surprised, and there's a flash of something that looks like pain on Doctor Sorae's face standing behind him. Suddenly her hand is on your cheek, warm and light and despite the sadness in her eyes she smiles at you. "Even if you don't have a birthday, for you I'll make a neckwarmer any day." So much sadness, so much happiness. And right in the middle of both of them, you.
**TRIGGER WARNINGS BELOW THIS POINT. GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF BODILY HARM, PHYSICAL ABUSE, MEDICAL EXPERIMENTATION, BLOOD AND BODY HORROR.**
Physical side effects of the experiments. CW: implied past physical trauma, graphic loss of limb, body horror manga link
"Hey Shiro, has your pain gone away?" It hasn't, but it's Ganta, and you have to be brave for him. You have to be brave even though your whole body hurts. So you force yourself to smile like Doctor Sorae does, and you say "Yeah, because I'm Aceman!" You're his hero, you have to be. So he asks you to play hide and seek, and you go to hide first because everything is hurting so much. Especially your arm, where you got the last shot. It's not just the normal hurt, this feels like a million ants crawling inside your veins, biting and pinching and tearing. You clutch at your elbow as you lean against the side of the building, shaking, breath coming in ragged gasps. The pain is way too much and your vision goes blurry, until suddenly there's a soft thump and it lessens enough for you to breathe, just a little. as you open your eyes, you see something on the ground in front of you.
It's your hand. Your hand, and it's not on your arm anymore. Cold shock and horror flood your body and you grab this thing that isn't part of you anymore and try and stick it back on. It has to go back on. You aren't bleeding, not really, maybe this can be just like Ganta's stupid Aceman doll and you can just stick it back on but it just keeps falling off--"Hey Shiro, are you ready?" His distant voice calls, and you force out a panicked reply. "Not yet." Drop. "Not yet!" Drop. "I'm not ready yet--!"
The creation of Aceman. CW: experimentation, non-sexual child abuse, restraints, pain, DID manga link
Everything hurts all the time now. They sew you back together, keep sewing you back together, and the shots are every day now, more and more of them. Some of the shots used to make the pain go away, but they work less and less. There's so much pain these days, it's like there's nothing else but pain. You keep trying to smile for Ganta, but it's hard. It's so hard when you hurt so bad. You keep thinking about Ganta as they strap you down to the table, restraints tight against your wrists and ankles. Doctor Sorae's hands are gentle, as always, but she doesn't stop, even when you tell her it hurts. "Even the anaesthesia is being decomposed by the Nameless Worm," the other doctor says, the one with the empty eyes. "Oh well. Let's inject her with several of the new viruses in development." Doctor Sorae is crying, her hands are shaking, but she's coming towards you with the needle, and when the liquid enters your veins it's like pure fire eating you alive. Your throat is raw from the screams, your body is coming apart at the seams, you're overloading--there's too much pain, so much pain it's swallowed you up, there's no more Shiro, no more Shiro at all, and your last desperate thought is of Ganta. Ganta and Aceman. If you call Aceman, he'll come and save you, Ganta said, and even though you know it's just a show, just pretend, you scream it anyway. "Help me, Aceman! Aceman!!"
As you run out of breath, the world goes colors you've never seen before, and you feel like you're falling. Falling from a tree, falling from yourself, falling upwards, and you're a little scared, but the pain is gone and everything is numb and you aren't there anymore, not really. You can feel your body smiling, but it's not you anymore, is it? It's like you're watching a movie of yourself, and when your eyes open there's someone else behind them. Your body sighs, and it smiles, and it's not shaking anymore. You think for a minute maybe you should worry, but the pain is gone and it's quiet and you think, wherever you are, this dark, warm, safe place: thank you, Aceman.
Ganta sees a murder. CW: experimentation, extreme violence, DID, dismemberment, gore manga link
You're used to this by now. The restraints, cold hard metal against your back, the identical orderlies in full clean gear with their masks and gloves and goggles and booties. Smell of antiseptic, and the old man's voice tinny on the loudspeaker. The other you has already gone away, Shiro down deep in the warm womb of the depths of your shared mind. You are something else. the old man calls you the Wretched Egg. Shiro calls you Aceman. You are both of these, and neither. You are pain and hate and anger, you are indifference and wrath. You are the hand of the god that the old man talks about, smiting the wicked and righteous alike.
"For today, let's try something moving, shall we?" It's a lamb. Small, young, innocent. Shiro would find it cute, you think, and the hatred boils inside your blood, seething to the surface as the drills rip through your skin. Something moving, you think, and you're grinning, or baring your teeth, and you rip yourself free of your restraints, letting your blood speak for you. Something moving. Something soft and warm and screaming as you rip through it, tearing it in half. Something begging for mercy, for freedom, for life, and you rip it to shreds for daring. For wanting everything you can't have and they've taken for granted. You fight, because it is what You are, and what You do.
A click breaks through the haze, the clatter of plastic on tile. You look towards the window. It's Ganta. Ganta can see. And you can see, too, see your reflection in the glass, see Shiro's face and the scattered remains of what used to be people and the lamb, completely unharmed and fearless behind you. Your eyes meet Ganta's, and you feel both more and less. Then he turns and runs, and it's just you. Just you in the reflection, the monster you are, the monster you've become, and suddenly you hate that person in the glass more than anyone, anything. More than Hagire, more than Doctor Sorae, more than these men you've just torn to pieces. You hate Shiro, and you hate the Wretched Egg, and everything those words don't encompass. This is loathing. This is the truest form of hate. There are tears on your cheeks. You don't remember crying.
Suicide attempt. CW: experimentation, suicidal ideation/action manga link
You don't know how long Ganta's been gone. All you know is that Shiro hurts in a way you can't protect her from. You ache inside in a way you've never felt before. It isn't pain. It's agony, it's emptiness, it's hatred. You're fighting again, another experiment, using ribbons of blood to crush giant steel spheres. All your rage goes into each blow, but it doesn't help. It doesn't bleed the pain from you like it usually does. All you can think about is Ganta. Shiro replaced him. You read it. It was supposed to be Ganta, but Doctor Sorae substituted you instead. You're just an experiment. Not family at all. Not anything. Worthless. Useless.
"Stop it, Shiro!" Doctor Sorae, sounding frantic, helpless. Worried about you? Why would she be? "If you make her body go any further, soon you won't be able to use her regenerative ability!" These words break through your shell. "Her body won't last if she uses too much of her power." There's a light shining through that broken shell, a possibility of an end. An end to pain and hate and loathing and everything you are. "Are you sure?" you ask, but you already know the answer, and you can't stop smiling. "That's nice, then! I really wish to die, you know!" That's it. It's so easy. Just push your limits, push her limits, use all the power all at once, and you can die for good. End all of this. Reaching down to the very bottom of your power, the bottom of your reserves, you gather every last drop, and--
You're sitting on a hill, on the grass, knees clutched to your chest. You're small, and lonely, and everything hurts. Your whole body aches, and not for the first time you wonder wordlessly if this is all there ever will be. Just pain, forever and ever and ever. Suddenly, from over your shoulder, you hear a young boy's voice. "So white..." Your hair, he's talking about your hair. White hair and red eyes, you don't look normal, look like a freak, so you hide. He doesn't stop. "Hey, why are you hiding it?" "Cos it's weird," you say, a little girl's voice, rough with tears. "Everyone says so." They do. You see the way they look at you, like you aren't really a person.
But then he says something surprising. "How come? Your hair's so pretty, even prettier than dragonflys' wings!" You don't know what to think, so surprised you forget all about crying. Pretty? He said your hair was pretty. And then your hood is being pulled down, and you feel the sun on your head and it's like there's a sun shining in your heart, too, from this little boy smiling down with his scabby knees and messy hair. "Is it?" you ask him, not sure. "Yup! Hey, give me your hand!" He demands your hand, and then he's touching you. Nobody ever touches you when there aren't tests or experiments. They're afraid to touch you. His hand is hot and sticky and then there's the touch of a cool marker against your palm, and you look down as he draws a ragged symbol on your palm and grins. "This is my mark! From now on, you're my treasure!"
No one's ever said that. No one's ever wanted you. And you smile, meaning it for the first time ever, for the first time ever feeling like you belong, curling your fingers in around his mark like it's the real treasure. "Let's play together!" you say, but what you really mean is "I love you."
Ganta's birthday. manga link
"Happy birthday, Ganta!" Doctor Sorae sounds so happy today, you think. Sometimes she's sad, when it's just the two of you, but she's always so cheerful with Ganta. Is that what it means to be a mother? Being cheerful even when you feel sad? She's a good mama, then, you think, and you cheer too, at the loud pop of the noisemaker and the fall of bright confetti. Doctor Sorae hands Ganta a knitted hat, bright pink--your favorite color--with his name on it, but there's a rip and suddenly it's around Ganta's neck. There's silence for a second, and you wonder if the happiness is over, if this suddenly fragile moment will break like an egg, but then Doctor Sorae is scooping up Ganta and calling it a neckwarmer and tickling him and it's okay. "Shiro wants one too!" you say, and then Ganta asks, "When's Shiro's birthday?"
You don't know the answer. You don't have a birthday. You say so, and Ganta looks surprised, and there's a flash of something that looks like pain on Doctor Sorae's face standing behind him. Suddenly her hand is on your cheek, warm and light and despite the sadness in her eyes she smiles at you. "Even if you don't have a birthday, for you I'll make a neckwarmer any day." So much sadness, so much happiness. And right in the middle of both of them, you.
**TRIGGER WARNINGS BELOW THIS POINT. GRAPHIC DEPICTION OF BODILY HARM, PHYSICAL ABUSE, MEDICAL EXPERIMENTATION, BLOOD AND BODY HORROR.**
Physical side effects of the experiments. CW: implied past physical trauma, graphic loss of limb, body horror manga link
"Hey Shiro, has your pain gone away?" It hasn't, but it's Ganta, and you have to be brave for him. You have to be brave even though your whole body hurts. So you force yourself to smile like Doctor Sorae does, and you say "Yeah, because I'm Aceman!" You're his hero, you have to be. So he asks you to play hide and seek, and you go to hide first because everything is hurting so much. Especially your arm, where you got the last shot. It's not just the normal hurt, this feels like a million ants crawling inside your veins, biting and pinching and tearing. You clutch at your elbow as you lean against the side of the building, shaking, breath coming in ragged gasps. The pain is way too much and your vision goes blurry, until suddenly there's a soft thump and it lessens enough for you to breathe, just a little. as you open your eyes, you see something on the ground in front of you.
It's your hand. Your hand, and it's not on your arm anymore. Cold shock and horror flood your body and you grab this thing that isn't part of you anymore and try and stick it back on. It has to go back on. You aren't bleeding, not really, maybe this can be just like Ganta's stupid Aceman doll and you can just stick it back on but it just keeps falling off--"Hey Shiro, are you ready?" His distant voice calls, and you force out a panicked reply. "Not yet." Drop. "Not yet!" Drop. "I'm not ready yet--!"
The creation of Aceman. CW: experimentation, non-sexual child abuse, restraints, pain, DID manga link
Everything hurts all the time now. They sew you back together, keep sewing you back together, and the shots are every day now, more and more of them. Some of the shots used to make the pain go away, but they work less and less. There's so much pain these days, it's like there's nothing else but pain. You keep trying to smile for Ganta, but it's hard. It's so hard when you hurt so bad. You keep thinking about Ganta as they strap you down to the table, restraints tight against your wrists and ankles. Doctor Sorae's hands are gentle, as always, but she doesn't stop, even when you tell her it hurts. "Even the anaesthesia is being decomposed by the Nameless Worm," the other doctor says, the one with the empty eyes. "Oh well. Let's inject her with several of the new viruses in development." Doctor Sorae is crying, her hands are shaking, but she's coming towards you with the needle, and when the liquid enters your veins it's like pure fire eating you alive. Your throat is raw from the screams, your body is coming apart at the seams, you're overloading--there's too much pain, so much pain it's swallowed you up, there's no more Shiro, no more Shiro at all, and your last desperate thought is of Ganta. Ganta and Aceman. If you call Aceman, he'll come and save you, Ganta said, and even though you know it's just a show, just pretend, you scream it anyway. "Help me, Aceman! Aceman!!"
As you run out of breath, the world goes colors you've never seen before, and you feel like you're falling. Falling from a tree, falling from yourself, falling upwards, and you're a little scared, but the pain is gone and everything is numb and you aren't there anymore, not really. You can feel your body smiling, but it's not you anymore, is it? It's like you're watching a movie of yourself, and when your eyes open there's someone else behind them. Your body sighs, and it smiles, and it's not shaking anymore. You think for a minute maybe you should worry, but the pain is gone and it's quiet and you think, wherever you are, this dark, warm, safe place: thank you, Aceman.
Ganta sees a murder. CW: experimentation, extreme violence, DID, dismemberment, gore manga link
You're used to this by now. The restraints, cold hard metal against your back, the identical orderlies in full clean gear with their masks and gloves and goggles and booties. Smell of antiseptic, and the old man's voice tinny on the loudspeaker. The other you has already gone away, Shiro down deep in the warm womb of the depths of your shared mind. You are something else. the old man calls you the Wretched Egg. Shiro calls you Aceman. You are both of these, and neither. You are pain and hate and anger, you are indifference and wrath. You are the hand of the god that the old man talks about, smiting the wicked and righteous alike.
"For today, let's try something moving, shall we?" It's a lamb. Small, young, innocent. Shiro would find it cute, you think, and the hatred boils inside your blood, seething to the surface as the drills rip through your skin. Something moving, you think, and you're grinning, or baring your teeth, and you rip yourself free of your restraints, letting your blood speak for you. Something moving. Something soft and warm and screaming as you rip through it, tearing it in half. Something begging for mercy, for freedom, for life, and you rip it to shreds for daring. For wanting everything you can't have and they've taken for granted. You fight, because it is what You are, and what You do.
A click breaks through the haze, the clatter of plastic on tile. You look towards the window. It's Ganta. Ganta can see. And you can see, too, see your reflection in the glass, see Shiro's face and the scattered remains of what used to be people and the lamb, completely unharmed and fearless behind you. Your eyes meet Ganta's, and you feel both more and less. Then he turns and runs, and it's just you. Just you in the reflection, the monster you are, the monster you've become, and suddenly you hate that person in the glass more than anyone, anything. More than Hagire, more than Doctor Sorae, more than these men you've just torn to pieces. You hate Shiro, and you hate the Wretched Egg, and everything those words don't encompass. This is loathing. This is the truest form of hate. There are tears on your cheeks. You don't remember crying.
Suicide attempt. CW: experimentation, suicidal ideation/action manga link
You don't know how long Ganta's been gone. All you know is that Shiro hurts in a way you can't protect her from. You ache inside in a way you've never felt before. It isn't pain. It's agony, it's emptiness, it's hatred. You're fighting again, another experiment, using ribbons of blood to crush giant steel spheres. All your rage goes into each blow, but it doesn't help. It doesn't bleed the pain from you like it usually does. All you can think about is Ganta. Shiro replaced him. You read it. It was supposed to be Ganta, but Doctor Sorae substituted you instead. You're just an experiment. Not family at all. Not anything. Worthless. Useless.
"Stop it, Shiro!" Doctor Sorae, sounding frantic, helpless. Worried about you? Why would she be? "If you make her body go any further, soon you won't be able to use her regenerative ability!" These words break through your shell. "Her body won't last if she uses too much of her power." There's a light shining through that broken shell, a possibility of an end. An end to pain and hate and loathing and everything you are. "Are you sure?" you ask, but you already know the answer, and you can't stop smiling. "That's nice, then! I really wish to die, you know!" That's it. It's so easy. Just push your limits, push her limits, use all the power all at once, and you can die for good. End all of this. Reaching down to the very bottom of your power, the bottom of your reserves, you gather every last drop, and--